All in.

I am at a retreat. A women’s retreat. A church retreat.

I haven’t been in or at a place like this in a very long time.

My motivation for coming this weekend is different than my being here now. Feels different. Looks different. Breathes different.

And I’m kind of nervous to blog about it (what’s that about?), but at the same time…it’s time to. Knowing the time for something is also different. It’s different than staying in a wondering place where you ask yourself if you’re doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It’s the action place. Even if you’re afraid of what people will say or think; you still know.

Speaking of that fear thing…two questions were asked today and my personal, reflective answers to them surprised me, partly because of my answers and partly because I answered them with absolutely no hesitation.

Can you recall some times in your life where you made poor decisions? What motivated those decisions?

Yes. Fear.

Can you recall some good decisions you have made? What motivated those decisions?

Yes. Love.

I honestly hadn’t thought of it before, that I had made decisions because I was motivated by fear or love. They’re so connected. I’ve been afraid of losing love, losing people that I love, and losing the love of people I love. Even the thought of that in this moment hurts. I actually visualize darkness and sobbing and loneliness.

But those love decisions. Wow. They weren’t any easier because they were made in love, but I certainly felt like I had my feet underneath me when I made them, embraced them, and walked around in them. And I can’t always say that they were the “right” decision, but I can say that they felt appropriate.

I don’t know always know that it’s right. But I do know that so many times, I’ve had to make decisions with what I do have available: knowledge, information, support, understanding…love.

Last night as I listened to my good friend’s husband speak (ok, he’s my friend, too), I have to tell you that I felt overwhelmed with…oh, how do I explain this? With knowing that they’re waiting for me, I think. “They” being my husband and children. And I remembered back when Holden was a newborn, only about two weeks old, and I rocked him while he nursed. I had the feeling that I was being intently watched. I looked down at that baby, all tucked into the cradle of my arms and he was just staring at me. Wide eyes not just staring at me, in fact, but through me straight into my heart. At that moment, I fell hard. Like I-almost-couldn’t-breath hard; so very deeply in love with him, and I was all in.

That’s the feeling that I had again last night, like my husband and boys were just waiting patiently, intently, beckoningly. Waiting for me to jump all in again.

I’ve spent too much time on my computer lately. Blogging. Facebooking (since when did that become a verb?). Reading other people’s blogs. And while the blogging has been such a fantastic connection between our small family into our extended families and friends, I’m out of balance.

I want to play Go Fish with my almost 5-year-old. I want to watch my TODDLER (yes! he’s taken his first steps finally!!) navigate the grass and sidewalk and driveway and sandy playground. I want to walk hand-in-hand with my husband across that bridge and put my head on his shoulder while the sun goes down.

I’ve said “no” and “I’m busy” too much lately. Busy with what, I couldn’t quite say, because I’ve been wasteful.

This life is all about relationship. I want more love and less fear in it. I want to savor my moments better and taste the difference of them this Spring. And I want to feel my boys breathing in that sweet breath of theirs at the end of each day, smelling a little of fresh grass, some dirt, and a whole lot of sunshine. And then, after they are both safe and sound in those comfy beds tucked under stylish superhero sheets, I’m going to nestle up alongside my husband, listen to him fiddle around on his best-friend-the-guitar, and go all in. Every bit. Heart, soul, and spirit.

Now that’s a good decision.

And here’s another good decision: some shots of the weekend. This first one is of Ali. Girlfriend rocks the Wellies.

And Tami, who is as real as a girl can be.

Our server. And I use that word in the most honest sense. The men of Flatirons served us our meals, carried our luggage, and parked our cars. Way cool.

This is where we stayed. Not too shabby. At all. Meet the Crooked Creek Ranch.

It might have been a bit stormy up there this weekend. There was rain, sneet, snow, a little sun, and a whole lot of heart.

Groups of people at breakfast, lunch, and the fire pit s’mores pit.

And later in the evening, there was a knitting circle.

I had never seen a knitting circle. I think that this is quite possibly one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Especially when Monster Pants are the main event. Well, Monster Pants that don’t yet have Monster Eyes or Monster Teeth, but seriously?? Monster Pants!

And we had desserts like this. Oh sweet Jesus. (I can say that phrase honestly here. And I bet I did what Jesus did. I ate it. I ate every bit, all to His glory.)

Yep. Good decision. Good weekend.