“Behind this universe, there is a pulse of the Mother-heart; the pulse of the energy of compassion, love, and protective attitude – all that is associated with the idea of Mother.”

When I read this, it was on the eve of Mother’s Day. Floods of memories started pouring in: the birth of Nick, being with him and him alone for eight Mother’s Days. Being without him for the next eleven. Wondering throughout so many of those years if I would ever have the chance to mother to my fullest capacity again. Missing him so deeply and aching when I would hear his voice or see another mom and her son and trying desperately not to be oh so full of envy, full of anguish. Yet, still, oh so full of love and hope that would reach across miles and miles and hold him like the treasure that he is.

And then more memories. The birth of Holden. And with it, an overwhelm of thankfulness and joy. This gift, this precious, precious gift of energy and boundless happiness. And the meeting of these two boys and the simple bond between them of brothers. It healed a lot in me. It taught a lot to me. It showed me that my heart, bruised and broken, could hold them both so dearly and so tenderly and so completely.

The birth of our Ewan, 18 years after welcoming Nick, was the final piece that was fitted into the puzzle of my Mother-heart. I am now complete with his sweetness, his mischievousness, and in his power to hold me and embrace the depths of who I am and have always been…

A Mother. Their Mother.

To all of my momma friends out there, who have loved boldly and bravely, who have cried and laughed and held and comforted your children, your selves, and each other, Happy Mother’s Day.

And to my boys, my beloved and cherished young men, you are it for me. My everything. My heart. My pulse. My breath. And from one of my favorite poems, The Dance:

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet
and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Thank you, Nick, Holden, and Ewan, for making my heart whole. Again and again.

I love you.